Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
