Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
