I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
