well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
