Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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