i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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