How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
