Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
