Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
