Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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