So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
