got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
