I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
