so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
