There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
