What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
