I'm eating all of the evidence.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
