Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
