I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We had sex on a dog bed..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
