I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
