in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
