i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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