You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
