I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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