You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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