apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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