Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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