someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
