just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
