Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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