If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
