Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
