My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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