Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
