Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
