i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
