She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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