Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
