I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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