No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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