I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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