Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
