she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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