New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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