How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is Oprah even human
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
