he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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