Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
