Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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