Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
