Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
