dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
